


vita non est vivere sed valere vita est

by tidalwaveofbluebirds



Series: 'I exist.' In thousands of agonies- I exist. [2]
Category: Dororo (Anime 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Mentions of Emotional Abuse, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, because daigo is an asshole, the last three are mostly towards Nui, theres some cute mother and son bonding before emotional stuff happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tidalwaveofbluebirds/pseuds/tidalwaveofbluebirds
Summary: "Life is more than merely staying alive."Or Nui No Kata reaches for Tahomaru, and all the lies come crashing down.
Relationships: Daigo Kagemitsu/Nui No Kata, Hyogo & Mutsu & Tahomaru (Dororo), Nui no Kata & Tahomaru, this is only mentioned on the account of them being married
Series: 'I exist.' In thousands of agonies- I exist. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1324847
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	vita non est vivere sed valere vita est

**_ “ _ ** She’s doing it again.”

“Hush, child- she'll hear you.”

Nui only clasps her hands tighter, her fingers digging into her knuckles until they threaten to break skin  _ (what’s a little blood in comparison to what  _ _ Daigo _ _ has done) _ , pressing them to her forehead, ignoring the whispering servants outside  _ (a long since mastered skill),  _ and continues to pray. Pray, and pray, and pray because there is nothing  else she can do to repent for her failures, for her sins. 

What a failure she is. A selfish wife. A failed mother. A worthless person.

“ _ Quit your crying, woman! You are my wife and a lady of my household! Present yourself as such!” _

Daigo’s words, anger and venom dripping from them as she had sobbed for her son, just ripped from her arms. 

“ _ Keep your damn statue, worthless wench.” _

His words when she started to pray, every day, to this beheaded Goddess  _ (his one act of generous) _ .

Confident knocking  _ (groomed with the knowledge of power)  _ against the wood of her screen only makes her eyes scrunch up. The voice of  Tahomaru asking “may I come in, Mother” separates her fingers, raising up from her knees, smoothing out the wrinkles of her kimono and slipping on her robe  _ (silently thanking the Goddess that it was her son, not her husband, at the door) _ . 

Sliding open the door, she smiles  _ (the edges soft only because that is how all proper Ladies smile, the tiredness tucked away in hidden corners), “ _ You are always welcome in, my son.” Back straight, hands clasped behind his back, lips in a serious line- oh how much her little boy tries to look like his father  _ (oh how much it hurts her heart to see him  _ _ try) _ .

“If you aren’t in the middle of something, I was wondering if you were like to go riding with me?” His shoulders tense slightly, back straightening even more  _ (expecting to be told ‘no, perhaps later’ or not even that, just a sad shake of the head and the door closing in his face). _

“I would be honored to.” 

The image breaks- surprise widening his eyes as excitement spreads a smile across his face  _ (and suddenly he’s his age, edges soft and happy). _

_ (Perhaps it’s time that for a little step, not much, she still too much of a failure, but enough that Tahomaru can know for sure, without question, without doubt, that she loves him.) _

She steps completely out of her room, sliding the door shut behind her, folding her hands in front of her. “Lead the way, my son.”  Tahomaru is almost shaking  _ (excitement? Happiness? The thrill of success? She's not sure)  _ as they walk side by side, servants bowing as they pass.

“Excuse me, my Lady?”

“Yes?”

“Should I inform the Lord about your departure?”

“There’s no need,” she replies, keeping her tone low and even.  _ (“He won’t care” almost falls off the tip of her tongue, bitter and angry, but she bites it back- can't break her role.) “ _ He just left to visit the neighboring territory for negotiations- he won’t be back until tomorrow.”

Arriving at the stables, Nui isn’t surprised that Mutsu and  Hyoga are already there and waiting  _ (she’s happy that, despite her weaknesses and his Father’s cruelty,  _ _ Tahomaru _ _ still found good people, who won’t let him spiral into this family’s hidden darkness). “ _ Mutsu,  Hyoga ,” she acknowledges, the siblings bowing in return.

Tahomaru offers his hand, and Nui squeezes it a little bit as he helps her up into the saddle, pulling some of her kimono and robe out of his way as he swings up, her arms wrapping around his waist. Tahomaru clicks with his tongue, and with an answering neigh, they were off, Mutsu and  Hyoga following close behind.

‘ _ How long has it been since I have been outside,’  _ she wonders, the chirping of birds seemingly louder than usual, the sky brighter and bluer than she remembers  _ (or had she just quietened them, grief dimming everything to dull, muffled grays?). “ _ Tahomaru?”

“Yes, Mother?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Just thank you, my son.”

Ears turning slightly pink, one of his hands squeezing hers around his waist, she smiles softly, asking, “Where are we going?” The estate disappears in the distant, the forest swallowing them.

“To the beach, if that is alright, Mother.”

“The beach,” she softly breathes out, “I have always wanted to go.”  _ (But Mother said it wasn’t proper and  _ _ Daigo _ _ only cares about appearances and power, not about indulging his wife’s silly desires.) _

The knot in her chest starts loosening, the  tenstion hiding in her shoulders weakening  _ (underneath her silks and clothes, practiced softness hiding how tightly her muscles are wound, and for how long).  _ The forest eventually starts to thin out, salty air faintly drifting across her nose.  Tahomaru carefully starts guiding the horse down a rocky path, softly muttering encouraging words as it brings them to a breathtaking sight.

Crisp clear blue water gently rocks with the breeze, little crabs skittering across the sparkling white sand, birds squawking above head. Boats dot the horizon, tiny little black figures that are pulling in nets and lines. “How beautiful,” she whispers absent mindedly, eyes fixed on the  _ life  _ stretching in front of her  _ (miles and miles and smiles, never seeming to end) _ . 

Tahomaru helps her down, and she couldn’t resist the urge to pull off her socks and sandles, neatly tucking them and her robe into a saddlebag. Giggling as she wiggles her toes in the sand, Nui lifts her kimono with one hand, just enough so it wouldn’t drag, holding out the other for  Tahomaru . “I’m afraid I’m not use to this,” she says softly. 

Slipping out of his own socks and sandles and tucking them alongside hers, he takes her hand. “I’ll show you the best spots.” 

Warmth tingles in her chest as she and  Tahomaru hunt for seashells, Mutsu and Hyogo joining in, all their bare feet pressing silhouettes in the wet sand, waves gently washing them away and tickling their ankles. She giggles as Tahomaru and Hyogo started to debate about fishing techniques, Mutsu rolling her eyes at what must be an old argument (“My Lord, live bait is much better-” “I am not touching a live worm.” “ So you can ride into battles but not touch a live worm.” “That is not being discussed right now.”). 

Hyogo gently lifts her as she almost steps on a small piece of broken shell. (“I don’t want you to accidentally cut yourself, my Lady.” “Thank you, Hyogo.”)

“Thank you,” she says again as the sun starts hanging lower in the sky. The three of them look at her from the family of crabs they’re watching, surprise written on all their faces. “This is the most fun I have had in a long time,” she explains. A look passes between them silently, something looking almost like guilt flickering in their eyes, before Hyogo and Mutsu take a step back while  Tahomaru takes a step forward.

“I am happy that you are having fun,”  Tahomaru starts, uncertainty weighing down his words, eyes staring at his sandy toes, “but I will admit that I have another motive for asking you to come with me.”

Dread’s claws plunks at her veins, her heart thumping against her bones. “What is it, my son?”

“What happened sixteen years ago to that missing baby?”

“What are you talking about,” she asks, dumbly, stupidly, trying  desperately to fight against the raising panic and fear  _ (trying to desperately remember how she has held it back for sixteen years) _ .

“Sixteen years ago, a baby went missing from our estate.”  Tahomaru raises his head, and the look in his eyes punches her in the lungs  _ (determination and fear and waiting rejection and desperation) _ . “What happened to it?”

Nui loses the fight

Everything in her breaks, legs crumbling underneath her, knees hitting the sand, hands hiding her face. And Tahomaru- her sweet, sweet  Tahomaru \- falls in front of her, grabbing hold of her arms, begging her to tell him what was wrong.

“Everything, my son, everything about this cursed land and  Daigo ,” she wails, emotions slamming like a tsunami against her bones, rattling her body, unable to hold her ugly sobs back  _ (can’t pretend everything is okay, is perfect, and not broken underneath her feet) _ . “It’s all his fault!”

“Father’s?”,  Tahomaru asks, startled, “how-”

“He’s the reason your brother is gone!”

And then everything spills out through her broken sobs- the lies and the grief and failures and regrets and the things she wish she could change  _ (How much she hates herself and hate  _ _ Daigo _ _ , because she is a weak, selfish person who grieves for a son she only got to hold for a few minutes before he was ripped from her hands to hide the blood and life  _ _ Daigo _ _ sold for power; How she’s a terrible mother to  _ _ Tahomaru _ _ , love beating in her chest for him but guilt pulls back her hand from reaching him, leaving him to  _ _ Daigo’s _ _ vile hands. How if only she was stronger, smarter, maybe things could have been different- could have stopped  _ _ Daigo _ _ and saved her baby, could have pulled  _ _ Tahomaru _ _ into her arms sooner- all  _ _ the _ _ could haves and maybes, if only she wasn’t soweaksopatheticsoworthlesseverythingbitafailurethatDaigoremindsherthatsheis-)  _

And when everything has been said, silence hangs like a heavy, suffocating veil. She remains a coward, head bowed in shame, eyes unable to look at  Tahomaru _ (oh her sweet  _ _ Tahomaru _ _ , cursed with a cruel father and a useless mother) _ . 

“Mother.”

A whisper- so sad, so broken, so angry- lifts her head, eyes looking at her son. Her crying son, fat tears falling down his cheeks, looking so much like a little boy. A little boy that reaches for her, hugging her so  fierecly , so protectively, that it steals the air from her lungs. Her arms wrap around her sweet boy, holding him tightly  _ (refusing to let another son be stolen from her). _

_ “ _ I’m sorry”, he sobs, “I’m so  so sorry.”

“No,” she cries, cupping his face, “you have done nothing wrong. There are not enough words to properly apologize to you for lying to you.” Her thumbs rub against the curves of his cheeks softly. “I love you so, so much, and in my grief for your brother, I neglected you.”

Laying his hands over hers,  Tahomaru squeezes her hands, steel forming behind the tears. “I promise  you, Father will not get away with this.”

Fear grips her heart, claws digging into the fleshy parts, as she cries, “No, please! Regardless of you being his only heir, he’ll still hurt you if you oppose him!”

“And what of everyone he has hurt? Instead of finding a way to take care of our people- instead of being a good leader- he damned us with a deal to demons for  temporary peace! A deal signed in my brother’s blood and your grief! Once those demons are dead, we will be right back to suffering!”

“And he won’t be alone, Our Ladyship,” Mutsu promises, her and Hyogo kneeling, their knees sinking into the sand  _ (steel eyes covered by watery glass, their fists trembling ever so slightly) _ .

Hyogo nods in complete agreement, “This we swear with our lives.”

_ (Oh, how her heart breaks- children promising away their lives to face the darkness their elders have created. _

_ Duty shouldn’t have to end in their deaths and sacrifices.) _

Tahomaru squeezes her hands again  _ (trying to hide his trembling) _ , a confident smirk on his face  _ (the corners softer than his father’s) _ . “Don’t worry, Mother. Everything is going to be alright.” Nui merely closes her eyes, pressing her forehead against  Tahomaru’s _ (and praying again- praying she won’t have to lose another son.) _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank god, I finally finished this. I have been working on it for over a year now- Nui and Tahomaru were being a pain in the asses to write. 
> 
> So obviously since this is an AU, I'm happily ignoring the end of Dororo and Nui's lack of love for Tahomaru and going with my view of her love for him- that she loves him, but between the guilt of losing Hyakkimaru and Daigo's emotional abuse and her own depression, she just never connected with Tahomaru (even though she really really wants to).
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
